


The One Where Thorin and Bilbo are Really Embarrassing Drunks

by multipurposetoolguy



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Drunken Kissing, F/M, M/M, Underage Drinking, awkward teen babies, high school au tropes galore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-29 10:57:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3893821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multipurposetoolguy/pseuds/multipurposetoolguy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High School AU - The gang gathers at Dwalin's house while his parents are away to bust out the liquor and have a party to end all parties. Everyone has a wonderful time except Thorin and Bilbo, who it turns out are both very different and VERY embarrassing kinds of drunks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One Where Thorin and Bilbo are Really Embarrassing Drunks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WrittenFire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WrittenFire/gifts).



> Okay so this spawned from some headcanons I had a while back about what kind of drunks Thorin and Bilbo would be, and my cousin decided it should be elaborated on in a fic. Of course it had to be done, and honestly this is me indulging in some of my favorite high school tropes, so I hope it's enjoyable to others haha. Warnings for underage drinking and consensual/mutual kissing-while-drunk, just in case anyone doesn't want to read that sort of thing. OH ALSO [here](http://usercontent1.hubimg.com/7541484_f520.jpg) is what Thorin looks like as a gangly Junior and [here](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/d4/96/71/d49671dc5269b1dd9900953c5ec0aff3.jpg) is Bilbo, the nerdy Sophomore.

The walls thumped, music pounding a steady beat that shook the house to its core. Dim lights in every color of the rainbow darted around the living room from the rinky-dink disco light ball Thorin had dug out of his parents' section of the attic. The room was packed not uncomfortably with bodies, either bouncing and shaking hips to the beat with drinks in their hands or on a rather stumble-y quest to refill their cups.

Their host for the evening was Dwalin, who's parents were away on their honeymoon for the entire weekend. His older brother didn't live at home, and so naturally Dwalin took the opportunity to throw the mother of all parties while he had the house -and his father's not-so-strongly-guarded liquor cabinet- to himself.

Surprisingly their whole extended group had been able to make it, making him wonder how exactly some of the more goody-two-shoes of the group had given their parents the slip. His own boyfriend had only been able to come under the guise that he would be working with Dwalin on a report for Biology due that coming Monday, which had actually been due Friday and done solely by Ori, which was just fine with him.

All in all it was a very intimate shin-dig, about fifteen people in attendance total, but what started out as half the room full of nervous teenagers facing their first encounter with alcohol and the other half having downed the devil's juice before and eagerly gathering bottles full of you-name-it all across the kitchen table quickly turned into a loud, messy, thumping club scene that you'd have to see to believe.

His family's nice mahogany coffee table had been moved, opening up the room as a sort of makeshift dance floor banked on three sides by two couches and his father's leather armchair, respectively. The kitchen had been made the designated Drink Stop, everyone having been warned under threat of a serious beat down not to spill a drop of anything _on_ anything. Kili and Tauriel were gathered around her laptop, seated cross-legged nearly in each other's laps on the carpet next to the entertainment center, cords running into the booming surround-sound stereo and _injecting this party with some sick beats,_ as Kili had said, getting him an eye-roll and a punch in the arm from his girlfriend.

The lights had been dimmed, the little strobe light strobed on dutifully, and everyone was comfortably buzzed and seated around the room aside from Nori and Bofur, who were laughing their way red-faced through the Macarena to a song that definitely was _not_ the Macarena.

Dwalin was slouched low on the love seat, a can of hard cider in one hand and the other draped around a giggling Ori, who was attempting to keep his lines straight as he sketched the dancing duo in his ever-present moleskin. It was his job as the host to make sure that all of his friends were having a good, _safe_ time, and it was true on all counts except for a fidgety Bilbo seated next to Thorin on the other couch, who despite being on his second beer was sitting rather stiffly, an odd look on his face.

"Bilbo, everything alright? You thirsty?" He shouted over the music and the sophomore in question jerked in surprise. Thorin didn't take his eyes off him.

"Hmm? Oh no yes I'm fine, I mean I shouldn't, you guys do _not_ want to see me smashed. Believe me." Bilbo tweaked the thick frames of his glasses on his face to occupy his hands. Thorin quirked his head to one side and hesitated before sliding a hand under where Bilbo's own came to rest on his knee, twining their fingers together.

"Oh? Why's that?" This was the pair's first weekend as Officially-Together-Like-Actually-Dating, and it was clear that they still didn't know how to act around... other people. Thorin, as emotionally eloquent as a pet rock, was trying desperately to find their conjoined comfort zone, and Bilbo could read his boyfriend like a book. He squeezed his hand in reassurance.

"Just- trust me, It would scar you all for life! I'd much rather keep my dignity where I still have it, thank you." Thorin's impressive brows furrowed together, but before he could reply Fili and Kili had clambered up to sit on the back of the couch, one each on either side of Bilbo.

"Oh come on Boggins!" that infuriating nickname had stuck, precisely _because_ Kili knew how irritating it was.

"Yeah Bilbo," Fili picked up where his brother left off, something that always struck him as both endearing _and_ reminiscent of the creepy twins from _The Shining_. "whatever you turn into _can't_ be as bad as Romeo over here." He jerked a thumb at Thorin, who growled and shoved him tumbling off the back of the couch with a yelp.

"Romeo? What's that supposed to mean?" He looked from Kili -who'd wisely scooted out of his older cousin's reach- to Thorin, confusion and curiosity doing the tango all across his face.

Thorin merely glared at Kili and took a long sip of his beer, squeezing Bilbo's hand before parroting back, "Trust me, you don't want to know."

Now, Bilbo was intrigued. Just the thought of reliving his utterly _mortifying_ drunken shenanigans that he'd learned came out of him once he put more than two wine coolers inside him at his cousin's sweet sixteen was unthinkable, but he was now desperately curious as to what _Thorin_ was like hammered. The fact that he'd be called Romeo, his stonewall tall, lanky and brooding boyfriend who he'd crushed on hopelessly for months, convincing himself that he only saw Bilbo as a friend until Thorin utterly surprised him by asking him to Prom with a single rose behind the cafeteria last Wednesday, his face stern aside from the intense blush on every inch of skin on his face, long hair tied back into a neat ponytail for the first time since he'd known him- well. That was too good of a hook to pass up.

Taking a quiet second to make his mind up -they _were_ all friends here, a sort of awkward teenage family that was as fiercely protective of each other as it was, well, odd- he stood up, tugging Thorin along with him as he trotted towards the kitchen.

"What are we doing..?" Thorin asked tentatively, but following obediently all the same.

"Drinking."

He just hoped, no, _prayed_ that everyone else would drink enough to not remember the finer details of the evening.

He let go of Thorin's hand as they walked up to the bar, and smirked up at him.

"Alright boys, what can I get for ya?" Bofur stood behind the bar, sweaty from his 'performance' on the dance floor, wiping a glass inside and out with a dishrag like a scene straight out of an old western flick.

Bilbo surveyed the bottles and bottles and _bottles_ of technicolor concoctions, his determination wavering. "Oh, um, hmm..." Thorin chuckled at him and he stood straighter, clearing his throat and giving their friend his order with a wink. "Something strawberry flavored, good sir, if you please!" Bofur chuckled and -staying in character for no other reason than the four White Russians pumping through his veins- slapped the dishcloth over his shoulder and pulled out the blender.

"And for you, cowboy?" Thorin scoffed and looked down at Bilbo, who was smirking and motioning with his eyebrows towards the alcohol selection. He shook his head and decided to go along with whatever his boyfriend was planning - _for now._

"A bottle of your finest Smirnoff, thankin' ya kindly." He put on an awful cowboy drawl just to make Bilbo laugh - _oh_ how he loved hearing him laugh- and, in his defense, he was pleasantly buzzed.

Bofur plunked the bottle down in front of him with a grin and when he busied himself with Bilbo's daiquiri-by-the-looks-of-things, Thorin turned to him. "Thought you weren't gonna drink?"

Bilbo shrugged. "I figure this'll be a good way to, I dunno, loosen up? Like, as a unit. Maybe?" He scrunched his nose up and it drove Thorin _crazy_ , it always did. Bilbo continued. "Right, yes. Anyway. I'll make you a deal," He smirked up at Thorin through his tortoise shell frames, hooking two fingers lightly in the taller boy's belt loops. "You get to see _me_ drunk, I get to see _you_ drunk, and no one remembers a thing in the morning. We're all winners."

Thorin tapped the mouth of his bottle to his lips in thought. He didn't mind a bit of embarrassment if _other people_ were embarrassing themselves with him, and really how could he take any time at all to decide when Bilbo looked at him like that, wide-eyed and pink in the cheeks, his hands pulling at his _pants_ for christ's sake-

Spurred on by both the alcohol and Bilbo's teasing, Thorin set the bottle down on the counter and slipped his hand into the back pocket of Bilbo's jeans, holding the other out to him to shake.

"Deal."

Just then Bofur set down a positively gorgeous pink drink on the counter in front of Bilbo, offering up a grin and a lofty _enjoy!_ as he picked up his own bright blue one and wandered back into the living room, wiggling along to Shakira's _Hips Don't Lie._

Bilbo grinned wide and took up his drink, shaking his boyfriend's hand and giggling.

"Deal!"

The pair made their way back into the fray hand in hand, just in time to see everyone shouting and clapping to the beat as Kili danced _very_ suggestive and exaggerated circles around a cackling, blushing Tauriel.

\---

About an hour and _several_ drinks later found the pair on the vacated love seat, Thorin looking decidedly nervous as Bilbo sat glued to his side, one leg flung over his knee and his hands fisted in his shirt.

"Is it warm in here, Thorin? I swear I'm sweating..." It was barely more than a huff of breath in his ear, and he turned to stare into Bilbo's flushed face.

"It's a little warm, I-I guess.." Thorin tugged on his collar, trailing off as he caught sight of Bilbo's eyes.

"Babe.. Your eyes are so... beautiful. Why haven't I noticed how.. _green_ they are before?" He stared down at his boyfriend in awe, his words slurring just a little. He reached out a shaky hand to cup his face. "Like oceans of swirling, glittering... kelp."

Bilbo leaned into the touch and covered the hand on his face in both his own, keening a breathy sigh as if Thorin had just recited a sonnet at him. No doubt that's what Thorin _thought_ he'd just done.

"Baby, I love it when you talk poetry to me.." He rubbed up even closer onto his boyfriend, who gulped at the contact and dug both hands -a little clumsily- into Bilbo's curls.

"Y-Your uh, your hair is like.. a ginger cat in the sunset. With honey..." He stuck out a hand in a grand sweeping motion, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's cat-?"

Dwalin couldn't contain his snickering any longer and on cue the room was filled with recorded laughter the loud shouts of a song starting.

_Yo I'll tell you what I want - what I really really want!_

Bilbo sprang up from where he was trying to tongue Thorin's ear and would've tumbled right off the couch if Thorin hadn't caught his arm.

"I love this song!! Fili, Kili, whoever, turn it up!" The brothers smirked at each other in victory and high-fived, cranking the song even louder.

The thumping beat shook the room and Bilbo stood up, leaving Thorin a good deal colder and a _great_ deal more confused. He struggled to focus on the rosy face of his boyfriend through the spots in his vision, the flashing colored lights framing his hair like a halo.

He'd look every bit the angel Thorin could very well mistake him for in his bubbly stupor, if it weren't for the positively _devilish_ grin on his face. Thorin could swear he saw him wink.

Before Thorin could mumble out his confusion Bilbo was making a show of climbing onto his lap, straddling him and reaching to pull his sweater vest up over his head, all the while keeping eye contact with Thorin. His sultry smile disappeared under the argyle fabric and he wiggled for a moment, arms straight up in the air, stuck like gum on a sidewalk. Thorin helped him pull it up and off, Bilbo huffing and brushing the hair out of his eyes before snatching the thing away from him and tossing it over his shoulder, back to grinning like a fox.

He could vaguely hear Bofur giggle as it landed on Nori's face somewhere before him, but Bilbo, glasses sitting completely askew on his face, chose that moment to start unbuttoning his dress shirt and Thorin gulped.

"Bilbo what're you-"

Bilbo pushed a finger sloppily against Thorin's lips (hitting their target on his second try) and shushed him a little louder than was completely necessary before leaning in close and singing along, _"so tell me what you want, what you really really want."_

Thorin stared up at him with wide eyes that kept jumping from his lips to his bare collar bone and back.

"Um." His face pinched in confusion. _What's happening right now, exactly?_

Bilbo took that as sign to continue, spurred on by the whoops and whistles of their friends as everyone watched this strange side of Bilbo unfold. He took his glasses off slowly, eye contact up and strong once again, and he put one of the legs in his mouth, biting it between his teeth and dragging it down his lower lip, all slow and on display, before folding them to hang in Thorin's shirt collar.

Thorin found he couldn't do more than sit still, gazing up in confused awe at his _shy, bookish_ boyfriend bury his hands in his own hair as he moved his hips rhythmically to the _Spice Girls_ of all things. It was his turn to be the shy one a he hesitantly rested his hands on Bilbo's thighs, prompting a very loud moan from the half-naked boy in question.

His face glowed like a hot pan and it seemed all the moisture in his mouth and evaporated away. He swallowed again before stammering out, "B-Babe you're so- you don't have to-"

His eyes snapped wide as Bilbo grabbed him by the face with both hands and lunged at him, tongue darting out immediately. After a second's confusion he started kissing back just as enthusiastically, wet squelching sounds so loud they could be heard over the chorus of cheers from their friends.

Thorin, feeling brave, reached to cup his boyfriend's bum in both of his hands and Bilbo arched up into him, moaning loudly into his mouth.

Suddenly Nori let out an almost manic shout of laughter and Tauriel gasped, slapping a hand theatrically over Kili's eyes as he yelped indignantly.

Bilbo had broken the kiss, tugging on Thorin's bottom lip for a long moment before eagerly fumbling with his belt.

Luckily he didn't get very far, Dwalin having nearly upended Ori in his haste to rush over and clap a hand on Bilbo's shoulder, clearing his throat loudly. "Woah there, uh, guys, um. Anybody want some pizza bagels?" He'd had a few himself, give him a break.

"Pizza bagels? Oh absolutely! Those things are _divine_ ," In an instant Bilbo had lost the bedroom eyes and sat up straighter, patting Thorin on the cheek as he climbed off of him -wobbling only a _little_ , thank you very much- and started buttoning his shirt back up.

Thorin had no idea what just happened.

He just stared, cheeks still flushed a dark shade of what-was-that-can-we-do-it-some-more and his hair sticking up at odd angles.

"Um." He hadn't quite found his words again, it seemed.

Bilbo looked down at him and smiled sweetly before giving him a saucy wink and ruffling his hair to fix it. "Come on, you won't believe how many of those I can eat before I hurl."

He extended his hand and hauled him to his feet -no small effort, with the height difference- laughing at Thorin's huffed "Now _that_ I've got to see." They walked into the kitchen hand in hand, Bilbo trying -and failing- to _actually skip_ while Thorin rubbed the back of his neck shyly, not-so-discreetly holding a throw pillow to the front of his pants. Fili still hadn't picked up his jaw off the floor and Tauriel slow-clapped their exit, Bofur grudgingly slipping a tenner to a very smug looking Nori off to the side.

\---

Thorin woke up with a groan, a pounding headache, and grease on his fingers.

He sat up slowly on Dwalin's couch, not remembering when he decided to stay over. A door opened to his left and he winced at the long, loud creak it squealed out. A very disheveled Legolas emerged giggling from what turned out to be a closet, his hair an absolute rat's nest, followed by a bleary-eyed and blinking Gimli holding his hand, _his_ hair a wild and tangled ginger tumbleweed atop his head. Thorin vaguely remembered the two disappearing rather early on in the evening for a session of _Seven Minutes in Heaven_ , and, evidently, that seven minutes stretched on until two in the afternoon the next day.

He reminded himself to rib his cousin mercilessly for that later, and speaking of hand-holding boyfriends...

He looked around for where Bilbo might've crashed out, having no memory of the party past, what was it, Bofur handing Bilbo an obnoxiously pink drink? Or was it blue? He shook his head and regretted it immediately, and a loud snore below him made him jump.

Bilbo was sprawled flat on his back across the floor next to the couch, half under the coffee table - _when did that get moved back?_ \- with his mouth open wide in sleep and the buttons on his shirt done up all wrong. _Didn't he have more clothes on..?_

He leaned over and poked him in the belly, jumping again when Bilbo shot up and banged his head on the edge of the coffee table.

 _"OH_ my giddy aunt.." he shouted, trailing into a groan as he rubbed his forehead, eyes squeezed shut tight.

"Hey there Sleeping Beauty. Your vest is missing."

Bilbo didn't open his eyes, raising his other hand to blindly push at Thorin's face. "Nn shut up. What?"

He looked down at his rumpled, mis-buttoned shirt in confusion. "How'd that happen..?"

Thorin just shrugged, scratching his neck and yawning. He jerked back in pain. "Ow, what- is this a bruise?" He angled his neck to Bilbo, who cocked his head and squinted at him.

"It's... a hickey." he blinked. "Who gave you a hickey? Did _I_ do that? Surely not-"

Thorin prodded his skin gingerly as he picked up his phone, buzzing with a notification. It was a video file, sent via text. A text from _Dwalin_. Thorin scrunched his face in confusion as Bilbo turned away from him slightly to re-do his buttons.

With a vague look at the general direction of his friend's bedroom, where he assumed he and Ori would've crashed out, he clicked play.

The video was dark, he could see the lights of his dad's strobe flashing across the walls. The music was loud and tinny from his phone speakers - was that the Spice Girls?

He squinted and brought it closer to his face, and when the angle shifted and the person filming -Dwalin, it was safe to bet- got closer, Thorin turned beet red from his chest to his ears and muttered a muted, "Oh my god."

Bilbo turned to him, concern blooming on his face. "What? What is it?" Bilbo pawed around for his glasses and blushed lightly when he looked up and found them tucked into Thorin's shirt, plucking them out and shoving them onto his face.

"Oh my god... I'm going to kill him," Thorin kept quietly mumbling to himself as if he hadn't heard him, his eyes glued to the screen. Bilbo huffed and climbed up to sit next to Thorin, snatching the phone from his hands and replaying the video, all color draining from his face in a startling contrast to Thorin's deep flush.

"Oh no... no no no _no_ , this is why I don't drink in front of people oh my god..." Bilbo dropped the phone into his lap and buried his face in his hands. Thorin turned to him, taking a moment to take it all in before setting a broad hand on his boyfriend's back and rubbing in soothing circles.

"It's uh, it's alright babe, we can fix this... I'm going to go _murder_ Dwalin right now so we only have to pray he hasn't sent it to anyone else." He glared toward's his _soon-to-be-ex_ best friend's bedroom again.

Bilbo groaned as Thorin's phone buzzed with more incoming texts and Thorin snatched it up to read them.

Eighteen 'thumbs up' emojis from Fili and a handful of winky faces from both Kili and Tauriel sealed their fate, however, and Thorin bellowed like an angry roll of thunder.

_"DWALIN!"_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are lovely, and I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!


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